I fancied you

I don't even think I all the way liked you.
But I fancied you.
Hard.
I always do this.
Go through the motions.
Like, semi-like, like a lot, fancy, semi-love, almost-love.
But it won't go that far.
No, not for me.
At least I'll never have to say,
"I used to love him."
Nope, I don't want that to be me.
I do not believe in love lost.
Or love found.
Love should be here,
I shouldn't have to work for it.
It should just know.
Know that I need it, when I need it.
Maybe I should just tell it.
Tell it what I want.
Maybe then, things would be different?

Yup

Growing Up: How I Tried To Avoid The Labyrinth

Some days I wish I was a kid again.
Remember when we were kids?
And everything was so simple.
We'd go to school, get home, then spend the day outside playing.
That was life.
That was all we knew and all we needed to know.
Oh to be a kid again.
Care free and happy.
Things change.
Oh how fast things change.
And before I knew it, my life had changed.
I couldn't play outside with friends.
I had to do homework. After homework, came studying.
Life would never be the same again.
Looking back,
I wish I didn't take recess and naps for granted.
How valuable those things are.
I like this age,
this stage I've reached.
Young adulthood, as they stay.
But nothing compares to childhood.
Childhood is freedom.
Freedom from the labyrinth.
Freedom from growing up.
The labyrinth is what I've tried to avoid.
Adulthood.
I don't want to grow up.
No, not yet.
Let me be a kid again.
Just one more time.

The Reluctant Opportunist

I'm beginning to think that I have no idea what I'm talking about..
Opportunity keeps knocking at my door, but I keep missing her.
Maybe if I tried a little harder, I could catch up to her.
If I ever see her, I'll ask her what her secret to success is.
If I ever meet her, I'll ask her to teach me her ways.
The last four years have been procrastination filled, anxiety ridden, stress-inducing nightmares of my former self.
I've evolved since then.
I've grown up, (somewhat) since then.
I like to think that as I've gotten older, I've gotten wiser.
But maybe I'm just fooling myself.
Wait, no, what was that?
What does any of this have to do with opportunity?
Well, quite frankly.
I view this as an opportunity to vent on some pent-up frustrations that I've been feeling.
Lately, time and opportunities seem to be passing me by.
I could try and chase them,
but I'm just not fast enough.
Life as I know it,
has shown me that I don't know much at all.
It's all so funny, actually.
I find myself blissfully unaware, and yet fully aware of my circumstances.
As it were, I've discovered some sort of a happy medium.
A happy medium between the quarter life crisis, girlhood, and adulthood.
I'll just enjoy things as they are now.
No need to figure it all out in one sitting.
I mean, I'm only 22.
Tomorrow, when opportunity calls.
I'll answer her.
Tomorrow.

Familiar

I see the face.
I've felt that glare.
I know the look.
I sense the stare.
It's all becoming way too familiar.
How can it be, that you're looking at me in such a way?
Like you really know me?
Like you have me figured out?


Well I may not have you figured out,
but I do know one thing.
It never seems to be the right person at the right time..
But rest assured, you and I will get along just fine.
Just don't expect much in return.
I don't have much to give to you.
Don't know what to say to you.


But I can listen.
I'll always be able to listen to that stare as it sweeps over me,
that look as it glances in my direction.
That whisper as you hold back, what it is, you'd really like to say...
That familiar face that I fear.
That familiar face that you keep giving me.
Please don't stare.
Don't look at me that way.
Didn't anyone ever tell you that it is rude to stare?
If this is your way of expressing yourself,
I'm going to need for you to get a new hobby.
As soon as possible...
I don't want your guilt on me.
Take it with you, as you leave.

Reminisce

I think I heard your melody, last night as the rain poured down on my window pane.
Beating softly to the tune of my heart beat.
I think I heard your voice.
Whispering softly to me through my bed sheets.
The ever present feeling I get when I feel you near,
The familiar reminders of sweet embraces and new found love.
Filling the air I breathe.
Encompassing my very being.
Making me think of you.
Light touches and smiles.
Familiar sounds and colors.
All wrapped up in a bundle.
That is you.
That's how I'll remember you.
Once upon a time on a warm summers day.
It's colder now but you'll always have a warm place in my heart.
As long as you remain the same.
For God's sake... don't you ever change...

Fly

I see your face but I can't understand what you're saying.
You're looking at me like you understand me, but you don't. 
It's obvious that I don't trust, anyone.
So why are you still here?
I'm tired of the pain, the hurt, and the lies.
And all the half sincere goodbyes.
Sometimes I just want it all to end.
To end.
But when I see you standing there, looking at me like you really care.
You start to make me believe, that I could fly.
So high, so high.
That I could fly.
Now I don't know what you want from me, but I can guarantee that you won't get it.
I've built up walls, yet you keep trying to tear them down.
Are you a fool or am I a fool?
Is it me you want?
Or are you just putting up a front?
I'm tired of the pain, the hurt, and the lies.
And all those half sincere goodbyes.
Sometimes I wish it would all just end.
Just end.
But when I see you standing there, looking at me like you really care.
You start to make me believe, that I could fly.
So high, so high.
That I could fly...

Freak Like Me-Santigold

So I'm completely biased when it comes to all things Santigold. I'm a big fan of her music because it deviates from the mainstream "junk" that is heard on the radio. (I hate the radio, by the way). This is one of my current favorite songs from her sophomore album, Master Of My Make Believe (great album by the way!). Enjoy.

Patience: The Non-Virtue

Patience is a virtue.

Not often instilled in the young.

Or maybe that’s just me.

I can’t speak for you.

I can honestly say,

That I’ve been to hell and back a thousand times,

But I’ve never felt a pain so deep as the one I feel for you when you’re not with me.

Wishing you were here.

But you never are.

You’re always so far away.

In a different place.

It’s too bad really.

That your timing never came.

That you and I could never seem to be on the same plane.

If I believed in fate,

I’d say she didn’t plan for us to be together.

If I believed in destiny,

I’d say we were never destined to be.

If I believed in love,

I’d say you never really loved me.

But I don’t believe in those things.

Reality has taught me that they aren’t real.

So, I’ll just blame this one on patience.

Patience is a virtue,

They say.

A virtue not often instilled in the hearts and minds of the young.

I’m still patiently waiting for the right one to come along.

I do know one thing though.

He better hurry up and get here,

Cause my Patience is running quite thin…

How I Feel

I wish I could tell you,
how I feel about you.
In some clever, ingenious way.
Without it sounding forced,
or me getting in the way.
I always seem to get ahead of myself when it comes to these sorts of things.
Why can't I just be normal about this?
Oh gosh, I wish I wasn't so awkward!
Maybe then this would not be so hard.
To tell you that I think I like you.
But I'm not like other girls.
I'm a disparate soul.
A separate breed,
a quiet riot, so to speak.
I think I've reached my peak,
with all this agony.
Someone should hurry,
and put me out of my misery.
Either that or I'll just tell you.
I'll just say it and wait.
Wait anxiously for your reply.
This would be so easy if I wasn't so awkward.
Everything just suddenly seems so much harder.
Harder to do,
harder to say.
Harder to tell you how I feel,
in a normal, sort of way.

Bitter Sweet- Kanye West

We Could've Been Dope

You would've been perfect if you just kept your mouth shut
or so I would have led myself to believe that you were perfect.
We could've been dope.
Or so I would have led myself to believe.
It was all a dream,
But I thought it was reality.
Confusing my brain,
and tricking my mind into believing,
that the time spent with you,
was all I needed to get by.

But it wasn't.
You were selfish and I was foolish.
A fool in love.
No, more like lust.
This fragile heart,
you never got to touch.
But my body,
That was yours.
I gave it to you willingly.
Thinking that was all you'd ever need.
And it was, or so it seemed.
But I wanted more.
That's just how I am.
I wanted more
and so you ran,
away from me.
I could never make you stay.
Even now,
I can't stand to have you near me,
because it's like you're still far away.
I don't blame you anymore.
It's a good thing that I walked out the door.
Cause you could never give me everything I wanted.
And I could never be what you wanted me to be.

Where Is My Mind- Maxence Cyrin

Awesome piano cover of The Pixies (Where Is My Mind) by Maxence Cyrin

I Don't Operate That Way

I told myself,
just rock to the beat,
and keep your feet firmly planted on the ground.
But I don't operate that way.
It's not my style.
I'm always thinking ahead.
About what could be.
Oh the possibilities.
Sometimes it's not a bad thing,
when your mind does exactly what you told it not to do.
When you start thinking about everything that could happen,
and that you want to happen.
There is so much that I want.
I want it all.
People are always telling me to slow down.
But I don't operate that way.
It's not my style.
I have dreams to chase.
And I won't stop until I get there.

Falling

Protect your heart.
Watch your back.
All with ease.
All with tack.
But I'm tired of dodging bullets,
and running the other way.
I want to fall,
but will you catch me?


I think I'm falling for you,
but will you catch me?
If I fall,
I hope I don't crash and burn.
If I fall,
I hope I don't die.
I don't want to die in your arms.
I want to thrive in them.
I want to love you, but I don't know how...
I want to fall..
for.
you.

I Wonder

I wonder what comes to mind when you think of me?
Or do you ever think about me at all?
Is it just a quick relapse of thought?
Or do you spend your waking moments wondering what I'm up to?
Well I do.
I think about you more than I should.
My mind is really up to no good.
I wish there was a switch I could turn off in my brain.
To erase all the pain left there by you.
To finally move on and stop wondering...
If you miss me, like I miss you.

Got To Get Away

I've got to get away.
Get away, get away, get away,
from myself.
Somebody help me please.
Help me escape from myself.

I swallow to hold back the tears.
I laugh to cover up my fears.
I act as if nothing even matters anymore.
And maybe it doesn't.
I don't know.

But I've got to get away.
Get away, get away, get away.
From myself.
I need a vacation from being me.
I need some time alone,
to be at peace,
with my soul.

I've got to get away.
Some day,
everything will be alright.
Some day,
some say...

Fear

What is it that I'm most afraid of?
Myself.
I fear that I will fail so therefore I don't try.
I fear that I won't say the right thing, do the right thing, or even know what it is sometimes.
So, I say nothing.
Rather than speak up, I remain silent.
Rather than take a risk,
I take a seat.


But these habits have left me feeling incomplete.
I've been trying to let go,
and just be.. me.
The real me.
Because deep down, I know I can do whatever I put my mind to.
But the fear is real.
It will take you, and trick you and trap you.
But only if you let it.
I won't let it get me anymore.


I don't make resolutions but I will say this,
I just want to be better than I was last year...
No. More. Fear.