Now What?

..So I like you.. Or at least I think I do. So, now what?
So we're talking and everything is cool. But now what?
If there was ever a time when knowing what would happen next was relevant, this would certainly be it.
So we had sex.. Now what?
Oh wait, I know.
Its time to pretend.
Pretend as if nothing means anything.
You're just a guy. I'm just a girl. Its what we do.
So... I don't like you so much anymore.
But I can't quit you.
Wish I knew how.
Its a never ending cycle.
But this time, I want off the merry go-round.
I'm much too old for child's play.
So the next time you say, "now what"?
Just know I won't be there to give you an answer.

.The End.

Old Habits Die Hard

I have an idea in my head of who I want to be, but it doesn't go in line with what I believe.
What to do? What to feel? What to think?
I ponder and I wonder, will I ever get it right?
Right vs. Wrong

Good vs. Evil
Life always has some type of struggle.
There's always some type of obstacle one must overcome.
Its time I sat down and really took the time to consider where I'm going in life.
Times a wasting.
Sometimes I feel like I have forEver.
And other times I feel like I have forNever.
Its true.
Old habits die hard.

So.. This Is Me..

Its crazy what we can rationalize.
The human mind is more powerful than we think.
I've noticed that most of what I've rationalized, was to my detriment, not my benefit.
I often wonder, what's going on in my head?
Can't believe I said that, can't believe I did that, can't believe it was you...
I'd like to say that fate dealt me a difficult hand, but I don't believe in fate.
I  guess what I need to do is find understanding, find a way to explain my actions.
Am I the only one that wants what I can't have?
Am I the only one that wants whats wrong for me?
Am I the only one that finds it so hard to do right but so easy to do wrong?
Its as if I have a knack for choosing the wrong thing.
They always said, don't fret over what you can not change.
Well I guess I'm stuck this way.
Then again, maybe I'm right where I need to be?
So, this is me. But it doesn't have to be.
I accept my lot in life.. For now..

Before I Self Destruct....

On a warm sunny summer night, I decided that I wanted to be reckless.

I told myself, before I self destruct, let me consider what my alternatives are.

And when nothing came to mind, my decision had been made.

It was almost as if I had envisioned this happening before it did.

Good case of deja vu.

So I bid reality goodbye and took flight.

Against the night sky.

Against the city lights. Against the trees.

Against right/wrong, and reason.

Summer always seems to be my season for trouble.

So, I told myself, before I self destruct

let me try to remember why I feel as if I need to do so..

And when nothing came to mind, I began to unwind.

I was over and out, gone with the wind.

I knew I had sinned, but I didn't care.

I couldn't. I wouldn't allow guilt to make me regret.

What was so wrong but felt so right.

One-Sided Love Affair

I'm pessimistic in nature.
  I guess that's who I am.
I'm not the type to walk around with a smile when I'm mad.
Sometimes I get so angry.
  Angry at all I see.

Because nothing is the way it is or as it should to me.
  I guess I'm just a selfish girl.
Because I want the world.
I can't help it if my parents taught me to only want the best.
I'm getting real tired of having to second guess.

So if you really want me, you better let me know.
 All you gotta do is show me. Show me that you care.
 Don't let this whole thing be, a one sided love affair.

So Close... And Yet So Far Away

You're so close... and yet so far away. Its like you're right here with me but I can't be with you.
And you know what you do. You do it all the time. Always running through my mind.
I wish you didn't make me feel this way. Got me saying things I shouldn't say. Or do.
You're so close.. and yet so far away.
And you've taken what wasn't yours to take. My heart.
You've got it wrapped around your finger.
Its as if you pulled the trigger. On me.
Now I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't breathe.
Without you.
You know what you do to me but you don't care.
Its just so unfair that I could feel this way for you.
You're so close and yet so far away.
I can see you, but I can never make you stay.
So I'll just run. I'll just run away from you.
And I know you won't try to stop me. I know you won't be there if I fall.
No. Not. At. All.

..Uninspired.. and Uninhibited... Part Deux

    This uninspired and uninhibited behavior has taken on a new form.
What once was dormant has come undone and out!
Like a life force before me, I can clearly see
that woe is you and woe is me.

   But before I launch into a soliloquy
of how things should or ought to be.
Let me first, examine me.

   Perhaps now that I realized that the void comes from within
instead of without,
I can start to decipher & recreate
A. Better. Me.

?Does such a person exist?
Is there still hope for me?

Some say yes.
And some say no.
But honestly, no body knows.

I'm not really looking for statements.
I'm not really looking for opinions.

I'm just yearning for a learning of
what. it. all. means.